Not too long ago I had an experience where a colleague of mine at work published comments on yellowpages pertaining to our staff's incompetence and other random failings that were invented. This was due to a rather timely dismissal that was imposed on this person. Now, ordinarily, I'm not much for the dramatic, and there aren't very many insults that hit home for me. However, my appreciation for irony, and a great propensity for spite merged to produce what you see below:
First, the two comments posted:
January 29, 2012
I used to come in on Sundays in the morning
but the guy that opens is always late, which is annoying. I decided to
stop coming in after I heard the groomer Christine freaking out on a dog
in the back, everytime I see her she;s always like "oh I'm so late" but
she will go out for smokes constantly.... then if you stand quiet you
can hear her shouting at the dogs in the back (like why work at a
petstore if you treat dogs like that?). The older lady with dark hair is
the rudest person I have ever met ... I have also witnessed her yelling
at customers dogs. I found out Petsmart has the food I need (for
cheaper) so I will never come in to here again.
And the cat cage is
absolutely horrible, I can not believe they don't clean the cage, it
makes me sad for the cats. Like how is it legal to treat animals that
By max121212 January 28, 2012
Always closed when they say they will be
open (this Thurs morning for example). But I found out from a co worker
Pet Paradise sells Acana and Orijin so good I don't have to go to Barf
and Fits anymore.
Used to get my dog groomed hear but Christine kept
rebooking my appointment, one day her car broke down, next her back was
out, next her teeth had problems etc My sister used to bring her dog but
The "customer service" is horrible, the one old lady
talks so loud the dogs are scared of her, and she is so clueless about
the products it is laughable, there are two girlie guys, one is so slow
he can not work the cash I always have to wait it is pathetic.
They also sell bones that will choke your dog so do not buy them.
So I did a review of her reviews:
from: Definitely NotBen
recently came across your reviews on Yellowpages.com and wanted to
express my excitement that you have decided to take up writing!
Pseudonyms (as I'm sure you're aware) are predominantly used for
concealing one’s identity, perhaps to avoid the persecution of fame and riches. Surely both are in store for you. I
wish it had been more difficult to ascertain the identity of the writer
though (not using the exact same contact info for each profile; not
posting within 24 hours of each other; not focusing with particular
hatred on previous nemeses). As you can see, I've created a pseudonym
that is slightly less obvious than your own for my review.
Being of a like mind (a writer), I've decided to provide you with a
critique, that you might hone your yellow-page reviewing skills. Let's
start with "horrible petstore" (I like how you combined the words as if
you were slightly drunk when you wrote it). Wait, were you?
to stop coming in (unspecific) after I heard the groomer Christine
freaking out (on = at) a dog in the back(, = .) (e)verytime [sic] I see
her she(;= ')s (always like = always says) "oh I'm so late(,)" but she will
go out for smokes constantly.(...) (t)hen if you stand quiet you can
hear her shouting at the dogs in the back (like why work at a petstore
if you treat dogs like that?).
First off, very impressive
hook. "The guy... always late." Delicious! I can't possibly avoid a full
critique with a lure like that.
Secondly, apt use of
irony. I like how you've pretended to not know how to form coherent
sentences. The review reads like a string of preteen diary entries, and
I'm assuming this is your target demographic (like, oh my god, like).
The review/sentence is so long, in fact, that despite several tries, I
could not speak it aloud without running out of breath. I'm no stranger to irony though, and from where I'm sitting this is a
well-conceived satirical piece bordering on pure genius.
"And the cat cage is absolutely horrible, I can not [sic] believe they don't clean the cage, it makes me sad for the cats."
I admire the moral implications of the cats and the well-positioned
alliteration. You continued the theme of run-on sentences very well -
keeping the review consistent (no one will be surprised that the end is just as monotonous as the beginning).
You step into the
character of someone who is obviously far below your intellect with
surprising ease. It reminds me of Faulkner's "The Sound and the Fury," wherein the perception of a mentally handicapped person is conveyed using simple and well-placed words.
As for the piece-de-resistance, entitled "worst place ever":
"Always closed when they say they will be open (this Thurs morning for
example). But I found out from a co worker Pet Paradise sells Acana and
Orijin so good I don't have to go to Barf and Fits anymore."
" Barf and Fitz." Excellent pun! Although, it's a bit high-brow, and
I'm not sure the serfs will get this one. I also found this part
somewhat confusing, and am unsure if you're saying:
"Pet paradise sells Acana and Orijin so good (so well?)"
or if you're saying
"Pet Paradise sells Acana and Orijin,[ so GOOD!]," -etc
While either alternative is ineffective in transmitting an actual
thought, I'm a stickler for sentences meaning only one thing (or any
thing) at a time, and addressing the same reader throughout. If this
character is schizophrenic, however, this is an artful rendering.
"[I] (U)sed to get my dog groomed hear"
Those darn spell checkers!
...but Christine kept re(-)booking my appointment(, = . ;)
one day her car broke down, next her back was out, (and) next her teeth
had problems etc(.) My sister used to bring her dog but (had the) same
"The 'customer service' is horrible," your use of
quotations here is very philosophical. Luckily, I have an eye for
"the one old lady talks so loud the dogs are scared of her, and she is so clueless about the products it is laughable, " LOL
"there are two girlie guys, one is so slow he can not work the cash I always have to wait it is pathetic."
If the object of the review is to undermine the quality of the business
(from the perspective of your pseudonym), you might be wiser to avoid
homophobia, since most of the customers are likely liberal, or
conservative-moderates. In addition, if you’re trying to differentiate
the profiles, you should try straying from the exact ‘busy idiot’ style in both.
I would try to be more specific, like
"narrow-shouldered nancies," or "men of a sensitive sort," or
"pretty-boys." Or, you could make a list of the feminine characteristics
that we possess, and explain why each one is unsuitable for selling pet
- The guys are too frail, like girls, to lift dog food bags.
- The guys experience too wide an array of emotion to sell dog food objectively.
- They have slippery s's, and are at times difficult to understand.
- aren't nearly aggressive enough with female customers or staff
- They are total bitches!
"one is so slow he can not work the cash I always have to wait it is pathetic."
You are the absolute authority on "slow and pathetic," and I am unable to make any constructive advancement to this point.
In conclusion, I found your reviews enjoyable and thorough in expressing the meager thoughts of your characters.
My only advice now would be to ply your skills to crafting a good resume.
In response to my shitslam, my former colleague contacted London and Campus police, who basically lambasted me with emails and calls, demonstrating their own misunderstanding of harassment law.
" I do not wish to have contact with you, so now legally I have to say to you : “I do not wish to receive any further communications from you of any sort. A copy of this e-mail is being forwarded to the Campus Community Police Service, University Network Security Office, and Equity & Human Rights Services. Further communication of any sort will result in immediate notification to University Authorities and the Police." - e-mail from moron
A cop shows up at my work, clearly in the practice of pursuing harassment claims, which is likely 80% men against women, so the tone was to be expected:
Indignant female police officer (IFPO): "Do you know ------------- ------------ ?" (I won't reproduce the name here)
IFPO: "Don't play games with me, I've met hundreds of guys like you."
Ben: "Lucky you, hehe"
IFPO: "This isn't a joke. -------- has expressed her fear and concern over a message you sent, " (removes paper with awesome burn on it) "can you explain this?"
Ben: (explaining the reviews, and how I knew it was her)
IFPO: "Well she didn't write them."
Ben: "Suuuuuuure... C'mon, you didn't think it was a little funny?"
IFPO: "This is serious, if you contact her again, there will be harassment charges laid."
Ben:"I don't know how I'm going to go without all the enlightened conversations we used to have."
IFPO: "You want to get charged?"
Ben: "There are no threatening comments anywhere in that message, and it's private message so I know it's not libelous."
IFPO: "You made fun of her spelling."
Ben: "I suppose that wasn't very nice, but you can't deny that it is bad...I don't plan on ever contacting her again, because I made my point. Obviously she is using you to make hers, which is... I don't even know? This is a waste of yours and my time, especially yours, since you could be finding actual criminals."
IFPO: "I better not have to come back here."